"What about fireproof face the mastodons racquets NBA?": The Google Translated Joakim Noah Interview Of The Year

If I'm reading this right, and it's probable that I'm not...

• 'Yooks' really, really wants to lead the Bulls.
• Noah was surprised by the un-worldliness of some of his teammates. "They want to go on vacation to Disney... because that's all they know."
• The Democratic party asked Noah to take a formal role in the Obama campaign. Noah declined, but supports Obama.
• Noah's regular driver is a Joe Pesci doppelgänger named "Bobo."
  

Do We Really Know The Long Term Effects Of Corporate Sponsorship On The Human Brain?

It's too late to study the cavernous minds of Tommy Lasorda and Mike Ditka, but can science get a hold of Michael Jordan before it's too late for LeBron and Tiger?

"It was two independent decisions," Jordan said of his decisions to fire Vincent and then hire Brown. "My decision with Sam was based on my evaluation, not based on my conversation with Larry. My think-ing was, ‘The shoe is not fitting the foot.'"

Too Good To Be True

Oh, man. This would be absolutely fantastic:

"As speculation about Mike D'Antoni's job security has increased the last few days, this is what we've heard from Suns owner Robert Sarver and general manager Steve Kerr: Nothing. They haven't rushed to D'Antoni's defense or offered assurances that he'll return next year. ... And there have been whispers within the organization that D'Antoni has been out-coached by San Antonio's Gregg Popovich. All of which means one thing: Tonight's Game 5 against the Spurs may be D'Antoni's final act as the Suns coach."

Please. Please. Please. I've been claiming for ages that, with their personnel, the Bulls could emulate a 2005-2007 Suns-type team. And though admittedly, yes, Kirk Hinrich is no Steve Nash, I still think an uptempo style of play is exactly what this team needs. I haven't given much of a crap about the Bulls' coaching search, because all the options out there strike me as pretty middling. But Mike D'Antoni would change all that.

Moon Over Myers: A Play In One Short Act

(Scene: Chairman Reinsdorf's mansion in Winnetka. Pete Myers is in the driveway, putting a second coat of wax on Reinsdorf's Mercedes, when the sounds of the Alan Parsons Project's "Sirius" erupt from the cellphone in his pocket.)

PM: Hello?

Jamario Moon: Hey Pete. It's Jamario.

PM: Jamario! Roll Tide Roll! What's going on, young fella?

JM: Uh, not much. I'm calling because, uh, well...remember that advice you gave me before the playoffs?

PM: Of course: Focus more. Go hard. Carpe Diem, young Caesar.

JM: Riiight. Well, uh, it's not really working. At all. My minutes are down, my points are down, my field goal percentage has plummeted.

PM: Hmmm...you say your minutes are down? Does Sam Mitchell know how hard you're focusing?

JM: I think so. In the locker room before the game, I've been staring straight ahead, while scrunching my eyebrows down really tight.

PM: Excellent. But Sam hasn't said anything?

JM: Not really. He just asked me if I had to take a shit.

PM: Hmmm...And you've been going hard?

JM: Definitely.

PM: Any way for you to go even harder?

JM: I don't think so. I've really been giving it a 110%.

PM: Wow, that's a lot. But, y'know, there's always 111%.

JM: Huh, yeah. I guess so. I never thought of it like that before.

PM: Well, that's what I'm here for.

JM: You got anything else?

PM: (opens his palms up to the sky, dropping his cellphone into the bucket of dirty, soapy water.)

Your Bad Blog Analogy Of The Day

John Paxson is stumbling through a coaching search like an indecisive drunk on a pub crawl. Oh, you're welcome.

McGraw says Mark Jackson isn't really being considered, and that would be a relief if Pax acted like he had a plan.

BONUS LINK: Now that's a compelling matchup.

C's Lead Hawks By 19 In The 4th, The Perfect Time For James Posey To Apply Defensive Pressure To Josh Smith's Head

The headline kind of covered it, but here's hoping Mr. Po-Z slips on a discarded thigh high sock.

Anonymous Bull Anonymously Speaks About Skiles

Yeah, it's not complimentary either (via The Bratwurst), but it's always nice to hear about a member of Chicago's roster communicating like a real person. The sullen, lonely Bulls aren't a whole lot of fun. Be sure to read the comments at the Journal Times link. You'll feel like your name is Booker T. Einstein Jefferson Vonnegut.

There's a Tom Izzo to coach the Bulls rumor/campaign from Adrian Wojnarowski and Dan Wetzel that's worth reading. I can't support a college coach hire, but Izzo isn't as distasteful as many of his peers. I would at least root for him to be good.

Pax is wack

Anybody worried that the quality candidates for the head coach position will get hired by another team or won't be interested in the Bulls organization?

Damn I miss the Wire!

Maybe we can get Simon to do a series on Chicago. I mean he could just read the Sun Times and Trib and the show would pretty much write itself. Maybe start out with something about gang dudes connected to alderman. And then talk about how the Third Coast is gonna keep them murder police busy this summer.

Thanks to that hard-working reporter over at the Chicago Journal for the first link.

Dentist Sues Bulls Over Mascot Mishap

The Trib's Michael Higgins should be copied and pasted everywhere today.

Dr. Don Kalant Sr. alleged he was sitting near courtside on Feb. 12 when he raised his arm to get a high-five from Barry Anderson, who portrays the exuberant mascot in a bright red fuzzy costume.

But Kalant, an oral surgeon, may now wish he had settled for a fist-bump instead.

Instead of merely slapping Kalant's palm, Anderson grabbed his arm as he fell forward, hyperextending Kalant's arm and rupturing his biceps muscle, according to the lawsuit filed in Cook County Circuit Court.

You couldn't pay me to touch the bacteria dripping red fuzz on Benny, but it's clearly impossible to control a high-five when Andres Nocioni is pumping fists and screaming.

Quite Possibly The Greatest Assistant Coaching Rumor Ever

Man, am I going to enjoying booing Skiles during my Bradley Center visits. I might even make a sign, if it's true that the former Bulls Director of Character and Accountability plans to hire Kelvin Sampson. (via the Hoosier Scoop)

Skiles Close To Signing With Bucks, No Word On Free Jeans For Life Contract Incentive

Via The Bratwurst, the New York Post's Marc Berman reports Chris Duhon's number one fan has reached a verbal agreement with the Bango Bunch.

Remember That Chicago Bulls Restaurant In Turkey?

Matt Watson picked it up from one of my many dead blogs, but there's been a lack of titillating jpeg uploads to satisfy our (you and me, reader) curiosity. It appears the internet has smiled at us again.

Basketball Is Serious. Jesus Serious.

God told me to read this column from the Sun Journal's Kalle Oakes. Old Kalle (he was alive during the 1980s; that makes him at least 100) thinks 16 Celtics championships in 30 seasons will never happen again. I agree, there's no way Garnett lasts that long, but Kalle is trying to make a point about "whippersnappers" praising Tim Duncan, when real stars like Dennis Johnson were oh-so-much-more important.

Whippersnappers have no sense of history, and a dynasty needs to be defined by the amount of championships won by the Celtics over the course of an arbitrary amount of time. There couldn't be a team that had even more success, that is the true bullshitted qualifier for greatness, that demands religious overtones in a column by a hack writer. Impossible!

The Yankees won 17 championships in 30 seasons. "That will never, ever, no, neigh, never happen again in any professional sport as long as our great-great-great-great-grandchildren shall live."

Myers To Moon: Blah-Blah-Blah, Playoffs, Give Colangelo My Number

I hope he said that last part anyway. From the home Greg Zaun's blog, Paul Jones has the Pete Myers-Jamario Moon scoop.

There is even some help coming from the outside in a round about way. At the end of the final regular season game in Chicago, Bulls assistant Pete Myers stood at centre court talking with Jamario Moon after many players were far into the tunnel heading back to the locker room.

This was not a hollow quick “nice game and good luck” chat. The two men both hail from Alabama. I approached Myers in the parking lot as I was heading to the bus and asked him about the conversation. He said he was telling Moon to focus and really “go hard” come playoff time because the post season can be a fleeting entity that can be taken from you so quickly.

In short, you can’t take it for granted. These games aren’t like the others.

“Look at us,” is what Myers said with his palms facing the sky.

Then quit. Make it official. Yeesh. I'm starting to think the Skiles regime deserves even more blame for 2007-08.

Gone...

...but never forgotten, Isiah. At least, not here. Thanks for the memories (and the draft picks).

Jim Boylan Doesn't Need Facebook

cuz...

The coaching tree has a lot of branches.

Good luck with all of that. I am not jealous of a man burdened with an unfathomably awesome intellect . Thanks to Mike McGraw for interviewing the guy who 'walked away' from the Berto with his head so high that he managed to miss all the microphones.

John Jackson: Carter Elected President, Moon Landing Successful, Rome Burns

Glad to know it's time to report something, JJ.

Behind the scenes, according to team sources, Skiles wasn't so positive. He was frustrated with several players and had cut off virtually all communication with them.

A far cry from the days of Tyson Chandler not replying to Scott's emails, but more clues indicating Skiles was just as selfish and unprofessional as the media bulls-eyed players.

The Deed Is Done

Boylan is officially toast. Now onto the less obvious moves...

Scott Skiles Rumored To Send Michael Redd To The Bench

Sezzeth Frank Isola in the Daily News (link via The Bratwurst).

According to a source close to the former Chicago Bulls head coach, Skiles is already in talks with another team - believed to be the Milwaukee Bucks - and could have a deal in place by next week.

Chris Duhon is a free agent too, Milwaukee!

Pay Bowler

Season's over. Yippee! Time to worry about qualifying offers, trade restrictions, and Rick Carlisle's rotten offense. Sham presents the (recent) history of the qualifying offer here.

There's At Least One Person Who Wants To See Eddie Murphy And Martin Lawrence Team Up Again

Unless Tyrus Thomas was referring to the translated title of everyone's favorite heart-beaty Armenian short film/doc.

Get The Champagne Ready...

...It appears the Boylan Deathwatch has already begun.

I'm Sure Things Are Shit-Your-Pants-Tastic In Portland

But let's try to be fair, Blazer Boosters. You're digging a well of disdain, and I'm the bucket brigade... or something.

Aldridge is among players like Al Jefferson, Rudy Gay and Mike Dunleavy, Jr. who all had great individual seasons (on not very good teams). The likely favorite, though, to win the award is Hedo Turkoglu of the (playoff-bound) Orlando Magic. Turkoglu is by far having his best season (out of eight total) this year, playing alongside Dwight Howard and Rahsard Lewis. Like Aldridge, he's posting career highs per game in many categories: minutes (37.3 from 31.1), points (19.7 from 13.3), FG and 3pt.%, rebounds (5.8 from 4) and assists (5 from 2). All in the ultra-competitive Eastern Conference.
...
It's hard to compare these two players side-by-side specifically since they play different positions, but I'll do it any way. They are close to the same size but play a different style of game. Aldridge is more of your conventional PF, mixing points inside with a smooth shooting touch from 15 and in. Turkoglu is more of a pure shooter and hangs out mainly outside the arc. Much of Hedo's strong season can be attributed to (probably) the best center in the game, Dwight Howard, commanding double teams and sucking in defenses. Aldridge is the second/first scoring option for the Blazers and often sees double teams. Aldridge is one of the better power forwards in the toughest conference the league has seen in years and is still learning how to play the PF position in the NBA. And had Greg Oden been a part of this year's lineup, we may have seen even more inflated numbers from Aldridge.

If Sean Meagher wants to call the good production on a "not very good team" play, I might as well check if the Blazers are any good. Hey, they're not even as good as the Pacers. If Hollinger is too elitist, too world-widey, check the B-Ref SRS. Portland is sandwiched between Cleveland and Sacramento. It's pretty obvious there's promise in the Rose Garden, but the pats on the back can wait another season.

LMA's per game improvements have been well documented as crap, and as much as I hate to write Hedo off, he's having a season similar to 2005-06. His AST% is up, but that's probably the result of Dwight Howard and Rashard Lewis making baskets. Everything else is all Hedo, and more possessions; Orlando's pace factor in 2005-06 was 88.3. It's currently at 93.4.

Turkoglu also leads Orlando's regular rotation in USG%. Regardless of Dwight Howard's star status, and Rashard Lewis' contract, Hedo is using a higher percentage of possessions, and playing as many minutes. Aldridge is similarly ranked on the Blazers. Pace aside, both players are the most often used scoring options on their teams. I can't admit to counting how many times a play was called for either guy, but the end result is what really matters.

That "more of your conventional PF" stuff? Aldridge and Turkoglu definitely have different spots, but both qualify for the TYI Chaise Lounge Chuckin' Big Man Award. 65% of Aldridge's FGA were jump-shots. 68% of Turkoglu's FGA were jump-shots. Does Hedo win, or does convention lose?

Comparing and contrasting two players up for an award they have no business winning was a lot of laughs, unfortunately I have to move on to the lamest statement in Meagher's post. Could there be a more convenient time to say, "Aldridge is one of the better power forwards in the toughest conference the league has seen in years"? Elton Brand has only played in 6 games, Pau Gasol hasn't played next to Bynum, Marion is in the East, and Carl Landry hasn't played that much. That leaves just 6 power forwards (including former center Amare Stoudemire, and center-forward Tim Duncan) in the Western Conference with a higher 2007-08 PER than Aldridge. Good luck sneaking Aldridge into that discussion next season.

H/T to Blogabull.

That Sound You Hear?

That would be my head, banging repeatedly against my desk, after (in a moment of dark perversity) I decided to take a gander at last night's box score and noticed the minutes (and production) for Tyrus and Noah. Now, when the Bulls should be losing games, Boylan's throwing his best frontcourt out there for extended minutes. Backward reels the mind.

A Laugher Developing In MKE

I like the Bucks. Good times were always had when watching the Ray Allen, Big Dog, and Sam Cassell teams. I temporarily lived in Wisconsin. I am in no way trying to convey an assholish superiority to the less populated area north of Illinois. I'll just clear my throat...

I can't exactly pooh-pooh the success a Billy King and Larry Brown had together in Philadelphia, but does anyone believe a reunion at the Bradley Center is in order? Phil Jasner of the Philadelphia Daily News sez the Sixers received an Eastern Conference team's request to speak with Brown, and interest in Billy King was discussed at Brew Hoop. Ack.

UPDATE: Buckspocalypse avoided, John Hammond (whosond?) is the new Bucks general manager.

All The News That Doesn't Fit

William (seriously just one name), of Sport Club Corinthians Paulista, was inspired by the most pretentiously titled book ever. You guessed it, Phil Jackson wrote it.

John Paxson's son, Ryan, has left ONU to enlist in the Marines.

Noah Fills The Skiles Cliché Void

"Blah-blah-blah," said the rookie. I am so relieved. Adrian Griffin and Ben Wallace are in their rocking chairs congratulating themselves for sitting on Noah earlier this season, and incubating a leader.

Never fear, Jim Boylan fans, he chimed in too. When a coach gives an unrestrained and wild assessment like, "I would consider him probably somewhere in the top five or six rookies this season," you know there's something special happening in Chicago.

Was JoeSmithEVILution.com Taken?

TrueHoop pointed it out, but I'm sure my "LaMarcus h8er" news feed would have eventually sent me to the official hype site of the Pacific Northwest's second most exciting jump-shooting power forward. First place is a tie between Donyell Marshall, and Raef LaFrentz.

Funny thing about many of the improvements cited on the website; they aren't really improvements. Aldridge has taken his 12.6 MPG bump, increased his FGA/36 by 3.4 shots, and his usage percentage is way up. The extra scoring Aldridge has generated this season is just fine, but his accuracy isn't what it used to be. Despite all the possessions he uses, LMA is only making an extra 1.5 FG/36 this season.

Rebounds are down (13.9 to 12.8 TRB%), turnovers are up (7.5 to 9.0 TOV%), and there's even an extra .1 PF/36 to nitpick. Maybe fouling is a sign of extra effort on defense, but I can't be sure. My eyes are glued to the television whenever 'Yell or Raef are in the late game.

Knichadenfreude

It's been linked to by pretty much everyone, but in case you haven't gotten around to it, make some time for New York mag's definitive post-mortem on the Unholy Era of our Beloved Namesake. Bad as this season's been---and I noticed a few disturbing parallels between the Knicks' situation and the Bulls'---it's heartening to see just how high above the Bulls are from Rock Bottom.

JYD Breaks His Silence

Finally, someone who isn't afraid to speak up about Scott Skiles. It's about time too, and by "time" I mean your guess is as good as mine (2007?). It's Jerome's pound, we're all just dogs sniffing it.

Anything Is Possible... Except This

Chris Duhon, prepared to blossom on another roster. Just like Corey Benjamin.

Have You Heard About This Promising Sefolosha Kid?

He's not really a kid, not very promising, and well below average offensively, but he can really network. I guess the Tyrus Thomas Hope Springs lack an adequate amount of towels. Journalists love towels. And promises to work hard in the offseason (Eddy Curry and Tyson Chandler's MIA summers will forever haunt me). And anyone who isn't Tyrus Thomas.

I don't expect Thabo Sefolosha to appear in Sham's Where The Stanko Ends anytime soon, but let's keep the dispatches from dreamland to a minimum.

Were Viral Videos Made For Woo-Woo?

It's a case for intelligent design, but even worse, the Cubs have let this guy back into Sun-Times Piggyback Field.

Years From Now, It Will Be Remembered As 'The Larry Hughes Game'

Lucky for me, I didn't see it. Hopefully Michael Jordan, Otis Smith, or Herb Kohl did.

By the way, 'The Kendall Gill Game' was way more impressive.

Quantifying Suckitude

If I cared about the Hornets, what's good for the NBA, or gray backgrounds, I would probably read Hornets247.com more. That's not likely to happen, but it's an excellent blog, and the bloggeurs are a shining example of people who use APBR abracadabra the right way.

Ryan Schwan has posted a table ranking every teams' rise and fall in OE, and DE from 2006-07 to 2007-08. Surprise! The Bulls haven't improved offensively, or defensively. And those who feel comfortable with the Bulls' drop from 1 to 12 in DE, please realize it's been the largest defensive dropoff in the league.

EDIT: Schwan says stuff about it here.

Benny's revenge

From FanNation:

Kevin Garnett and James Posey engaged in some late-game trash talking with Benny the Bull. "Bulls can talk," said Garnett, who initially was upset after he and Posey were hit in the back by clothing fired from a T-shirt launcher during a timeout in the closing minutes of the C's 106-92 victory. "Walking off the floor we got hit by some shirts." Garnett initially had to be restrained by a member of the officiating crew as Benny stood a safe distance away. "I turned around, saw the guy in the bull hat, and we had some words," Garnett said.

Now our seats suck, but I'm 98% sure that a fan was throwing back a T-shirt that had just been tossed into the lower section. "Saw the guy in the bull hat," doesn't sound like Benny to me.

But the important lesson is that the Celtics play with passion and some anger in a meaningless game. Noah and Noce are the only Bulls who really played with desire tonight (Ty only tried when he had a chance to score); the Celtics knew they had this one in the bag after the first five minutes, yet Garnett was trying to show up Ty in the last five minutes and Pierce was yapping back at Noce after a hack in the closing minutes.

It seems like one should say something about how you need players willing to run through walls for you, but the Bulls can't even find guys to run around screens.

what a bummer of a season ...

As posted on Blog-a-Bull:

Boylan doesn't think it's time to change the rotation in favor of the younger players...Even when the Bulls are officially eliminated from playoff contention, Boylan didn't sound as though he's planning to make drastic changes in playing time.

This summer is going to determine Pax’s future as GM, but if he can’t get Boylan to play Ty and Sefo major minutes once we’re out of the playoff hunt, then maybe he needs to be canned before he deals with revamping the team this offseason.

I’d like to see a lot of Noah, Ty, Deng, Sefo, Kirk together for the rest of the season. And Noah, Ty, Noce, Deng, Hughes as an up-tempo second line. Seven of our last nine are against playoff teams, so the remaining games should be useful for evaluating lineups.

In my mind, Noah is our five for the next ten years, Gooden is solid at the 4 for next year, Deng at the three if he agrees to something like $8 million a year, and a lot of questions marks beyond that.

What’s Ty’s role? Can Sefo start at the 2? Can Kirk function better playing with a big guard like Sefo or Hughes? Can Gordon be a scoring point? Seems like there’s too many moving parts right now, but I hope we can package the pick, Noce, and Gordon or Kirk for a legit point or 2 in the offseason.