Wednesday, December 15, 2010

No One Rose Should Have All That Power

There's been some talk lately about coming up with a nickname for Derrick Rose. (That thar link is to a video; the Rose nickname stuff is around the 15 minute mark. Or you can just take my word for it.) The ones thrown around in the above link include Deep Dish, The Separator, and Space Provider. Needless to say, all three are Moby Dick-sized failwhales.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this some, and like all fine denizens of our fair, fallen city, I've spent about 30-40% of my conscious hours over the past month listening to Mr. West's My Beautiful, Dark, Twisted Fantasy. It's probably no coincidence, then, that recently, after every ridiculous Rose jump-stop layup, obscene display of vertical, or last second dagger from Kedzie Avenue, I've taken to screaming aloud: "Everybody knows he's a motherfucking monster!" (It might also be no coincidence that my new neighbors have taken to eying me warily when passing by in the hallway.)

Now, I realize some moralistic wags might not consider "Motherfucking Monster" a fan-friendly moniker for the soon-to-be starting PG on the Eastern All Star squad. And yet, I submit that "Motherfucking Monster" is a uniquely constructed phrase that manages to precisely convey the visceral thrill of almost-illicit excitement that comes from watching Derrick Rose play basketball on a regular basis. (Seriously, this kid should be illegal; if people can start routinely feeling this much joy, they might start taking offense to this whole capitalism thing.)

Anyway, I thought I'd call up Kanye and see if he'd be willing to write another verse for "Monster," one extolling the virtues of Rose. Unfortunately, his assistant told me that he was busy teaching or re-upholstering something. (It was hard to make out exactly, what with all the loud screaming and moaning in the background.) Next up on my speed dial, then, was Jay-Z who, despite his allegiance to the Nets, was more amenable. After taking his daily morning swim in his Scrooge McDuck pool of gold coins, he sent along the following verse for your enjoyment:

D-Rose, Godzilla, King Kong, Lochness,
Goblin, ghoul, lane driver with no conscience
Question: What do these things all have in common?
Everybody knows Rose a muthafuckin' monster
Conquer, swat ya, jump-stop ya silly defense
None of you playas know where Number 1 is
None of you playas have caused the carnage that I bring
I still hear Courtney Lee scream** in my dreams
Breakin ankles in black Adidas shoes
I kill and block on Madison Avenue
Awe and thrill a village of women and children
Everybody wanna know what my Achilles' heel is
CALLS I don't get enough of 'em!
Only get 'em when Rush is fuckin' undercuttin'
All I see is these playas I made millionnaires
Wide open for dunks, then fixin' they mess of frizzy hair
All I see is these fake fucks with no game
Tryna draw fouls blindly chargin' thru the lane
(Sniiiiiff) I smell a 5 PER jump
Seems to be the only way to shut Hollinger up

Thanks again, H.O.V.A. In conclusion, I'd just like to add that Rose's living in the future, so your present is his past, his presence is a present, kiss my ass.

**Check the 0:35 mark; it's amazing.